Needing help...

[Victor]

I turned 21 last month. I'm now starting to wonder if it is still possible to live a godly life these days without having to be a complete hermit isolated from just everyone...

I just can't see why a girl would not cheat on me... Christian or not. Pretty much everyone is unfaithful these days and the minority who doesn't will continue to become smaller and smaller with time. I simply can't see why will my life experiences be any different from other's ones. Being a Christian doesn't mean i will be immune to the corruption of the society at all. The church is just as corrupted as the secular world... practising youths go to party, get drunk, have sex and get abortions just as their secular peers do. Married churchgoing couples which seem examples for the community to follow have affairs, divorces and illegitimate children just as their worldly counterparts do. Pretty much nobody here seems to be serious about faith anymore... they only see it as a cultural thing, some even use it to brag about their supposed morals.

Recently i visited Slovenia where my relatives live, which i thought was a better place than mine... and the story was the same. Alcoholism and promiscuity were rampant there as well and nobody my age was religious. I'm feeling like i can't find anything even close to what i want wherever i go. This world is really messed messed up.

I'm slowly but constantly losing faith in long-lasting relationships. This is becoming more of a delusional fantasy than a reality every day that passes. Truth is finding a good spouse is near impossible these days and getting even harder, and finding your special one is not a ground for hope either... because people can (and do) lose faith and turn into their complete opposites tomorrow, especially if they find themselves under the constant pressure of society.

I can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to do anything in life anymore. I will have no reward at all in this life no matter how hard i work... everything will only get worse and there's nothing i can do about that. This world will not be any different from hell soon.

 

[Albion]

Hello, Victor. I've been around churches long enough to know that they come in different varieties, all the denominational affiliations and doctrines aside. There are such people as you are seeking to find; it just takes longer than it once did.

 

[Lamb]

Continue to pray for a good woman. You never know what God has planned for you and it could be that she won't come along for many years. But that doesn't mean you need to turn away from God and His salvation.

 

[Josiah]

Hello, Victor. I've been around churches long enough to know that they come in different varieties, all the denominational affiliations and doctrines aside. There are such people as you are seeking to find; it just takes longer than it once did.

I agree....

We don't live in a culture that is particularly Christian. And this CERTAINLY impacts dating. People often become sexually active quite young and often include sex in the dating process (sometimes very early). And commitment is pretty much a forgotten word: often it's "I'll stick with you as long as it serves me."

THAT SAID, it's not ALL like that. There are still good folks out there. The best place to look is in churches but yeah it's by no means guaranteed (or even common). I met my beloved at the website Christian Mingle, but beware - lots lie there (as I'm sure is the case at all such dating sites). It turned out that my lady was also a virgin but I have to admit, I dropped that requirement before I met her realizing that's just not a very realistic expectation (but God blessed us, each finding the same). The older you get, the less likely it is to find a virgin (heck, that may not be common after high school).

Hold on to your values... be true to who you are... be real. I personally found that girls respected that - even if they disagreed. It's frustrating but hang in there! Be patient. Be you.


Blessings!

Josiah



.

 

[tango]

I turned 21 last month. I'm now starting to wonder if it is still possible to live a godly life these days without having to be a complete hermit isolated from just everyone...

You can do your thing whatever people around you are doing. It's not always easy, but nobody ever said it would be.

I just can't see why a girl would not cheat on me... Christian or not. Pretty much everyone is unfaithful these days and the minority who doesn't will continue to become smaller and smaller with time. I simply can't see why will my life experiences be any different from other's ones. Being a Christian doesn't mean i will be immune to the corruption of the society at all. The church is just as corrupted as the secular world... practising youths go to party, get drunk, have sex and get abortions just as their secular peers do. Married churchgoing couples which seem examples for the community to follow have affairs, divorces and illegitimate children just as their worldly counterparts do. Pretty much nobody here seems to be serious about faith anymore... they only see it as a cultural thing, some even use it to brag about their supposed morals.

The best thing you can do here is look at people as individuals rather than as parts of uniform groups. Remember that what you're describing is SOME youth, SOME churchgoing couples. Be careful with terms like "everybody" and "nobody" because although they are great terms for making sweeping generalisations they are really bad for describing real people.

Yes, some people go to church as a way to appear righteous and holy. Some people go to church as little more than a social club. Some people are probably more predatory, going to church as a way to find people who are likely to be more vulnerable or more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean everybody at church is a predator.

It does sometimes seem that the unfaithful are a majority that's growing rapidly. Sadly when you enter into a relationship with someone you take the chance they will betray you. Whether that relationship is based on romance, business, employment, whatever, you take the chance that the other person will do something that harms you. Hence you take the time to learn, to the extent you can learn, whether you believe you can trust them. Sadly people still get it wrong.

Recently i visited Slovenia where my relatives live, which i thought was a better place than mine... and the story was the same. Alcoholism and promiscuity were rampant there as well and nobody my age was religious. I'm feeling like i can't find anything even close to what i want wherever i go. This world is really messed messed up.

If you're expecting a place to be better you're probably still thinking in terms of sweeping generalisations. That way lies little more than favored and unfavored groups and reasons to hate someone for being part of an unfavored group.

Look at some of the chatter you see on social media and see how things are presented. You see people complaining about "greedy landlords", as if someone who rents a property to a tenant is some kind of blood-sucking leech. Yes, there are slum landlords out there but also lots of good landlords who are providing a useful service to people who don't necessarily want to lay down roots. You see people complaining about "selfish, reckless idiots" who don't cover their faces in public and ignore all sorts of reasons why people might not cover their faces.

Lots of the time people present "arguments" that are little more than "if I can do this I don't see why you can't do that". It's a short way to justify demonising someone who doesn't do what I think they should do. Even if the comparison appears meaningful it's often based on an assumption there's nothing else going on.

It's easier to paint with a broad brush and demonise people than it is to understand them as individuals. Understanding people as individuals only works if we can suspend our ideas that what we do is absolutely right and anything different is absolutely wrong.

I'm slowly but constantly losing faith in long-lasting relationships. This is becoming more of a delusional fantasy than a reality every day that passes. Truth is finding a good spouse is near impossible these days and getting even harder, and finding your special one is not a ground for hope either... because people can (and do) lose faith and turn into their complete opposites tomorrow, especially if they find themselves under the constant pressure of society.

You sound like you're looking for a guarantee that never has existed and never will exist. If you get married you have no idea what you're doing. I got married at 26 and now, not quite 25 years later, I'm a different person. My wife is a different person now as well. I'm more like my father and she's more like her mother. Sometimes when people change over time, particularly if there's a drastic change for some reason, they decide they can't tolerate each other any more. Sometimes their sense of commitment carries them through it all and they grow closer as a result. Don't forget that just as other people change you will also change.

I can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to do anything in life anymore. I will have no reward at all in this life no matter how hard i work... everything will only get worse and there's nothing i can do about that. This world will not be any different from hell soon.

Seriously, talk to a priest or a therapist or someone who can help you with this in real time. An outlook like this really isn't healthy and you would probably benefit from talking to someone who is there in a real sense, in ways that people on an internet forum can never be.

 

[Fritz Kobus]

Matthew 6:33: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Seek God and a good woman may come along. That does not mean don't look for a good woman, but make sure your focus is on God and don't fret if the woman is not coming along. All things in God's time. I did not meet my wife until I was 32. a couple years after I gave up looking and decided that God will provide if it is meant to be.

 

[Victor]

I still... can't see how could i find that faithful genuine Christian girl, in this age of Tinder and Instagram.

I'm just scared of everything. I'm extremely terrified of being cheated on and i can't get away with this anymore. I'm losing interest in everything in life almost and starting to distance from everybody including my family. I'm biiter, depressed, resentful and hurt virtually all day long... dying of panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, i can't handle the feeling of an infidelity, it aches and burns and consumes me more than basically anything in this world. Sometimes it feels like the best option would be killing any girl i develop feelings towards so that they can't cheat and leave me sick the rest of my life. Not that i will do but honestly i doubt i would ever be able to hold such a pain at all... horror.

 

[Lamb]

I still... can't see how could i find that faithful genuine Christian girl, in this age of Tinder and Instagram.

I'm just scared of everything. I'm extremely terrified of being cheated on and i can't get away with this anymore. I'm losing interest in everything in life almost and starting to distance from everybody including my family. I'm biiter, depressed, resentful and hurt virtually all day long... dying of panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, i can't handle the feeling of an infidelity, it aches and burns and consumes me more than basically anything in this world. Sometimes it feels like the best option would be killing any girl i develop feelings towards so that they can't cheat and leave me sick the rest of my life. Not that i will do but honestly i doubt i would ever be able to hold such a pain at all... horror.

I really encourage you to speak with a counselor or therapist before you harm yourself or anyone. If you have those emotions then they need to be dealt with and a professional is the one to go to and have these discussions.

 

[tango]

I really encourage you to speak with a counselor or therapist before you harm yourself or anyone. If you have those emotions then they need to be dealt with and a professional is the one to go to and have these discussions.

I'd second this. It's impossible to come up with a diagnosis online but what Victor is describing here sounds like it's pushing into the kind of thing that could really use professional attention.

I'd suggest a counsellor first but seriously suggest professional help.

 

[Fritz Kobus]

I still... can't see how could i find that faithful genuine Christian girl, in this age of Tinder and Instagram.

Overcoming some of your other problems/fears would be the first thing to do. The good women are out there and I suspect to get past Tinder (never heard of that one before) and Instagram, might have to join a conservative Mennonite church, though I did see cell phones when I was in Amish country, presumably Mennonites as I seriously doubt Amish use cell phones.

Focus on God and making yourself the best person you can be. Seek women in the right places, conservative churches mainly. Don't rush it. There is time.

 

[Victor]

Fritz i don't live in the USA or anywhere nearby, in my country we haven't as many church communities... it's mostly Catholic here.

And finding even a genuine Catholic is close to impossible.

 

[ValleyGal]

I will have no reward at all in this life no matter how hard i work...

If you are looking for and expecting reward, then you will be sorely disappointed. A faithful woman is not some kind of "reward."

Seriously, i can't handle the feeling of an infidelity,

I agree with the others that you could benefit from speaking to a professional. But in the meantime, how you think makes a huge difference in your experience in the world. In the previous quote, for example, if you expect a faithful woman is a reward, you will end up treating her like a trophy wife which may eventually cause her to leave you for someone else, thus fulfilling your worst fear. But if you change your thinking so that your wife is a life partner of good character in her own right, that will come out in your respectful behaviour, which will likely make her choose you every day. In the latter quote, you are basically saying you don't trust God. The Word says that Jesus is with us, and that when we are weak, he is our strength. In other words, if you keep your focus on Jesus and on his salvation, he will give you every inner resource you need to get through whatever trials you face in life, even an unfaithful wife.

"...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor. 10:5b

When you obsess over infidelity and the possible condition of your future marriage, you project the kind of energy that will attract exactly what you fear, and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you take those thoughts and feelings captive and make them obedient to Christ, trusting him to provide for all your needs as he promises - even your emotional and psychological needs if your future wife does become unfaithful - then you will begin to attract a woman of good character. And a woman of good character is not always a virgin or faithful. We all mess up. Even you. We all are in need of God's mercy and grace! And in marriage - even a faithful one - you will need to extend so much grace! SO much grace! And so will she.

Take your thoughts captive.

 

[Fritz Kobus]

Fritz i don't live in the USA or anywhere nearby, in my country we haven't as many church communities... it's mostly Catholic here.

And finding even a genuine Catholic is close to impossible.

There are Mennonites and other Anabaptists in many countries. Here is a worldwide church finder for conservative Anabaptist Mennonite churches:

Church Finder | Pilgrim Ministry

www.pilgrimministry.org

also consider the Orthodox Church, similar to Catholic but smaller and maybe more of the parishioners are more faithful to the Word, just speculating but....

 

[Victor]

W WHAT? Are you expecting me to be content at all if my wife is being unfaithful? Really? And what if she gets pregnant with who knows what man forcing me to raise a child who is not mine? What if she fills a divorce and takes my house, money, children and properties? What if she brings my children to a tattooed unbelieving weed smoking drug dealer? What if she or he sexually abuses or abandons my children and leaves them in a garbage can? What if she asks him to beat me or steal my car? What if he injures me seriously and leaves me in the hospital or handicapped for life? What then? Are you expecting me to be happy with all of that? Even if i end up imprisoned for life or begging in the streets? All because of an unfaithful wife?

You don't seem to understand that infidelities go far beyond hurting a person's emotions. I can tell you about a real life story of a successful leader of a business who ended up begging in the streets, dirty hungry and dying of hypothermia, because of her unfaithful wife. What about him now? What about her good amazing Catholic wife who is now having long and intense orgies with her Chad Tyrone who doesn't do anything in life other than smoking and fighting? What? What would you say to him... eh?

 

[tango]

W WHAT? Are you expecting me to be content at all if my wife is being unfaithful? Really? And what if she gets pregnant with who knows what man forcing me to raise a child who is not mine? What if she fills a divorce and takes my house, money, children and properties? What if she brings my children to a tattooed unbelieving weed smoking drug dealer? What if she or he sexually abuses or abandons my children and leaves them in a garbage can? What if she asks him to beat me or steal my car? What if he injures me seriously and leaves me in the hospital or handicapped for life? What then? Are you expecting me to be happy with all of that? Even if i end up imprisoned for life or begging in the streets? All because of an unfaithful wife?

You don't seem to understand that infidelities go far beyond hurting a person's emotions. I can tell you about a real life story of a successful leader of a business who ended up begging in the streets, dirty hungry and dying of hypothermia, because of her unfaithful wife. What about him now? What about her good amazing Catholic wife who is now having long and intense orgies with her Chad Tyrone who doesn't do anything in life other than smoking and fighting? What? What would you say to him... eh?

Nobody is saying you're supposed to be content if your wife is unfaithful. I honestly have absolutely no idea how you could possibly conclude that from what people have said.

What people are saying is that there are women out there who will be faithful. Nobody can guarantee that any given person will remain faithful for their entire life. You can't guarantee you will never be unfaithful to your future wife. Of course right here right now you may insist that you'd never be unfaithful but you just don't know what the next several decades will bring. Peter promised Jesus that he would never betray him but that didn't work out too well either.

The simple reality is that life doesn't come with guarantees. Sometimes things go exactly as we hoped, sometimes they go differently and sometimes everything just goes sideways and we struggle to cope with it all. There are no guarantees of anything - we're not even guaranteed a tomorrow.

If you spend your life looking at every woman as if she'll marry you today and be unfaithful to you tomorrow all you'll achieve is coming up with endless excuses for why nobody is "good enough" for you. This is your life and you're entirely within your rights to look at every single woman you ever meet through a lens of "you are not good enough for me because...." and looking for a reason to fill the blank. You can do that, and you'll never be disappointed that a woman fails to live up to your expectations. This approach will make sure you never settle for a woman who is less than perfect. Unfortunately it's almost 100% effective at making sure you never even begin a relationship with a woman.

A serious question for you - do you actually want to find answers to your questions? You seem to keep posting variations on the same theme and showing very little sign of taking anything that people suggest on board. It's as if you want strangers on the internet to wave some kind of magic wand and make everything better, without any effort on your part at all.

 

[Victor]

The post was an answer to ValleyGal's comment. Nevermind she is an abortion supporter so i will rather not waste too much time with her.

But now seriously i don't want to settle for a worldly unfaithful selfie-aholic liberal... problem is i don't know of ANY single girl not matching that definition, not even in church. It just seems that all young women i can find have Instagram profiles, exhibit nudes, support feminism and hang out with dozens of guy "friends". And it seems it's not any different outside my location either. I just don't know what to do now... i have tried several opportunities and none of them, NONE, has worked for me.

I went to visit my paternal relatives last year in Slovenia, only to see the same exact thing i've seen here for years. A completely wicked, westernized society with no sense of morality at all... where alcoholism is even more problematic than in my country and nobody gets married, not even civilly - the vast majority of children there come from unstable unmarried couples which soon break up and hop between partners, often more than once. One day when i was there a barely dressed high school girl offered me alcohol out of nothing... like i didn't even meet her, and almost coerced me into drinking anyway! It's so shocking how such a small rural Eastern European country has degenerated to such an extent that fast, it's absolutely shocking.

I don't know at all what to do in this life. It has been all failure after failure... not just in relationships. All this headache makes me wonder what's God's actual purpose for my life. Maybe he just plain hates me for the things i have done, or something. I have no idea. My mind is completely lost, in the middle of the desert.

 

[tango]

The post was an answer to ValleyGal's comment. Nevermind she is an abortion supporter so i will rather not waste too much time with her.

Honestly, if you're going to write off everything someone says because you disagree with one part of what you think they believe that could explain a lot of your problem.

But now seriously i don't want to settle for a worldly unfaithful selfie-aholic liberal... problem is i don't know of ANY single girl not matching that definition, not even in church. It just seems that all young women i can find have Instagram profiles, exhibit nudes, support feminism and hang out with dozens of guy "friends". And it seems it's not any different outside my location either. I just don't know what to do now... i have tried several opportunities and none of them, NONE, has worked for me.

What exactly is it you're looking for?

First of all you didn't want someone "worldly", whatever that means. I understand you don't want someone who posts nude pictures of themselves all over the place but are you seriously going to reject a girl who has an Instagram profile? Are you going to reject someone who has male friends? If you're really expecting a girl who doesn't use social media and doesn't have male friends you need to be looking in a convent, but you'll have other issues there.

For good measure now you're taking a dislike at "feminism", which means different things to different people. Why not just say you want a woman who is just like you in every respect and be done with it? Such a woman doesn't exist, which is probably why you're struggling to find her.

But aside from small technical details, what happens if you ever do meet the woman of your dreams? Would she be interested in you, or would she be figuring you have an internet profile, you spend time online, you used to hang out in incel groups, and therefore she's not interested? Wouldn't it be nice if people could see past the fact that others are imperfect and see people for who they are rather than their opening salvo being to identify someone's shortcomings? Chances are you have a few shortcomings of your own. Wouldn't you like to meet someone who could see you for who you are rather than simply seeing every single thing about you that isn't exactly what she wanted?

I went to visit my paternal relatives last year in Slovenia, only to see the same exact thing i've seen here for years. A completely wicked, westernized society with no sense of morality at all... where alcoholism is even more problematic than in my country and nobody gets married, not even civilly - the vast majority of children there come from unstable unmarried couples which soon break up and hop between partners, often more than once. One day when i was there a barely dressed high school girl offered me alcohol out of nothing... like i didn't even meet her, and almost coerced me into drinking anyway! It's so shocking how such a small rural Eastern European country has degenerated to such an extent that fast, it's absolutely shocking.

How is offering you alcohol the same as "almost coerced you into drinking"? Was there something that stopped you politely declining and moving on?

Newsflash - the world is broken. It has been for a while now. That doesn't mean there's nothing good about anything.

I don't know at all what to do in this life. It has been all failure after failure... not just in relationships. All this headache makes me wonder what's God's actual purpose for my life. Maybe he just plain hates me for the things i have done, or something. I have no idea. My mind is completely lost, in the middle of the desert.

Maybe God is waiting for you to understand forgiveness and accepting things that aren't perfect. You know, the way he accepted other imperfect people like you and me and everyone else.

 

[Fritz Kobus]

I recommend finding a good pastor of a solid church that holds to the historic (and only true) Christian faith and discuss these concerns with him. Really need personal counseling. I don't think we can get much farther with this on a web forum.

 

[ValleyGal]

WHAT? Are you expecting me to be content at all if my wife is being unfaithful? Really? And what if she gets pregnant with who knows what man forcing me to raise a child who is not mine? What if

What if? Do you realize you said "if" 8 times in one paragraph? That is what I'm saying about taking thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. You can't live in "what if" because it steals your "now". It steals your peace about your future, which belongs to God, not to you. It is your thinking that needs challenging, not the possible idea that you could be stuck raising another man's baby. What needs to be challenged is the "if". God does not promise your spouse will be faithful. He makes the promise to never leave us, to give us strength when we are weak, etc. Think Psalm 23 - even if I walk through the valley of death (how much worse is that than an unfaithful wife?), I will fear no evil because YOUR rod and YOUR staff will comfort me. God will give you the inner resources to make it through whatever trials you have in life.

IF your wife is unfaithful, no one has said you need to be content with it. In fact, you should be outraged while at the same time asking the Spirit to reveal to you whether or not you played any part in her infidelity. There is no excuse for it, but there is sometimes a good explanation. Either way, you can't ruminate on the "ifs" in life. Next time you say "if" you can interrupt that thought and make it obedient to Christ. Let's just take the one about the possibility of an unfaithful wife. What if might hold you back. You will find someone you want to be with, but because "if" is dominant in your thinking, you will never come to a place where you will trust her. She will perceive the lack of trust and not understand why you won't trust her. You will either talk with her about your belief she will be unfaithful or you will not talk with her about it. The former will send an overt message "I don't trust you" and the latter will send the message "I don't even trust you enough to talk about my lack of trust." Either way, she will get the message and either become frustrated that you are so mistrusting and nothing she does - not even a lifetime of faithfulness - will convince you that she will be faithful or she will get frustrated that you are unwilling to share this sensitive area of your life. This will continue for a while, but eventually that, compounded with the many other "ifs" in your marriage, will drive her to turn to someone who WILL trust her and who WILL open up emotionally with her. With any luck, she will leave you before she allows an affair to happen, but that is the kind of dynamic that drives someone to seek elsewhere what she should be getting from her husband. That is the self-fulfilling prophecy in action. But if you take control of your thinking and make it obedient to Christ, you can get rid of the "if" and learn to trust God, trust your wife. IF you can't trust a woman you're interested in, don't marry her. Don't even date her.

Ftr, I value life. I am pro-life and would never consider an abortion. But that is my value that I choose. Because I value my right to choose my own moral path, I would be a hypocrite if I did not value other people's right to choose their own moral path. I value the right to choose, and that is consistent with being pro-life. I am pro-life for fetuses and I am also pro-life for the pregnant woman - enough that I know women will make the choice to abort even if it is not medically supported which will then put their own life at risk. It's called harm reduction. I don't like it, but then I don't like a lot of laws like going 70 km on a road that could handle cars going 90. Or paying taxes.

Someone mentioned you are looking for an Anabaptist church. Interestingly, I am Anabaptist. Mennonite Brethren.